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greatest pop culture blog on the planet. Or maybe not. |
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The
greatest pop culture blog on the planet. Or maybe not. |
this post sponsored by the guy who just picked up a used cigarette off the street and tried to light it.
You wake up in someone else's house in your underwear.
...and you don't know who that person is...and their house is in another state...
You wake up in your own house, in someone else's underwear.
You wake up in a shopping cart by a needle exchange in Ensenada and immediately begin violently puking up dozens of half digested penises.
...you look at the mirror and you're Thomas.
....even Homeless Frank won't talk to you
...you reply Homeless Frank's tweets and he doesn't even drop a cold shit back in your way.
Been there a few times... hahahahahaha
When you drive a car off a bridge, leave you passenger there, and then contact the authorities the next day.
You go to YesButNoButYes for intellectual stimulation.
Malt Liquor is a step up.
...Mad Dog 20/20 is "The good stuff"
.. Denis Rodman says to you 'Bro, you need to get it together.'
... you find out that MRI machine you've hid in was recording your sexcapade with a nurse when you were visiting your grampa at the hospital and the mother fucker sold the tape.
...Your crying.
And masturbating.
Using your tears for lube.
... Echowood tells you to 'man up'.
... Your whole life revolves around monkey videos on YouTube.
You realize it would be too much effort, too much paperwork and work for other people to kill youself.
(13 was a bad age)
You spend all your free time reading YBNBY and replying to it in the comments and forums.
(seriously I love ya all)
You drop hints about your depression to people online instead of your "real life" friends and family.
... when your mother looks at you and thinks 'Damn. I should've just given head.'
You do a really bad Elvis impersonation to distract people from your "Chicago Politics,"
and
"You go on a reality show to distract the world from your husband's "Chicago Politics" and earn money to pay for his legal defense.
Ahhhhh it's good to live on the Indiana side of Chicago.
1. You don't have the good sense to seek shelter or even cover when a tropical storm is pouring rain down on the city.
2. Even crack heads won't have sex with you.
you go to cast another stone and there's nothing left in the quarry.
HOLY SHIT! TIM! You're still alive!!!
I'm around ... just busier than normal.
My commentary has become more selective (read: lame).
You binge drink to make yourself feel "better."