Dear Santa,

Thanks again for the early Christmas gift with the whole Tiger Woods thing. This has been the best holiday season ever.

As a follow-up, my wish for the New Year is as follows:

1) Make sure the Elin and the kids get as much Tiger-money as possible BEFORE the well of sponsorship cash runs completely dry and all the breach-of-contract lawsuits start. Someone needs to look out for the real victims here.

2) If the Tiger-Woods-leave-of-absence-to-work-on-my-family-life period turns out to be less than a year, please be sure that every news story covering his comeback includes his personal dedication 'to all the girls he's loved before'. Hold the skank pics, please ... we've just spent the better part of a week trying get the dog to stop howling at the television.

3) Allow us all the pleasure of watching a post-prime Tiger attempt to re-earn the wealth he accumulated and squandered as a young man. Isn't it amazing that a man who attributes his incredible success to discipline and hard work can demonstrate such an incredible lack of it in his personal life?

I've already bought your gift.

Dear Santa,

Please help me write better, more entertaining articles in the coming year so the Loyal 77 can still be entertained throughout their pain in the ass workdays.

Dear Santa,
Please let there be World Peace, a healthy environment, and an end to World poverty.

Also, I'd like Megan Fox to release a sex tape in 2010.

Your Boy,
E-sizzle.

Are you half a beauty contest's candidate/half a pervert, E? Sweet... is it there a link where we can vote for you?

Dear Santa,

I wish my mom and Thomas could get along without fights. It's a pain in the ass, everynight when I come back home they are arguing and sometimes they get physical.
So, it's my job to stitch the wounds and take care of the bruises after the fight. And Thomas' face has no "non-purple" spot to be hit anymore. Mom has beaten him so hard last night I think his face is more flaccid than his ass.

Leo

Dear Santa:

I just found a blogsite full of total retards. Please bring Brother Bill some talent, Frank the Tank a Cher ringtone for his Iphone, Leo a boyfriend with a David Letterman gap in his teeth, Sheriff Pablow a cure for vaginal warts, E a Michael J. Fox sex tape, Tim a pair of tweezers and some pepper, and a dog collar for Vicky.

Thanks Santa,

Tauns

P.S. I forgot Phatlard. Please bring him some ranch flavored astroglide.

Keep 'em coming! ..... That's what Leo said.

If you are refering to your 2 inches of dangling glory... I'm not interested.

Nice one Taunee! Welcome aboard! Cute pic by the way.

But I wanted the Micheal J Fox Sextape.....

Oh well, Please bring Micheal J. Fox an Etch-a-Sketch and Taunee a Walnut shell and a large rubber band so she can make a new jockstrap.

And bring her a wonder bra too, so we can see some volume under Dave's shirt.

Taunee,
Although I appreciate the thought of getting me a Cher ring tone, That would mean I would have to part with my Elton John tone, And I'm not prepared for that to happen.
I'm just not.

Dear Santa,

Thanks in advance for the tweezers and peppers. Nothing screams man more than sucking on a few habaneros while plucking the berries.

New Years Eve will be something special this year.

Yours in yule,

Tim

P.S. Not sure the reason for this request, but can you send a copy of the collective works of Cyndi Lauper? Been getting a hankerin' for it lately.

Thanks tim, now i have "Time after time" playing over and over in my head

Dear Santa,

Please let this taunee fellow finally come out of the closet this year. It's hard for sHim to keep this a secret any longer. The burden is too great!

Also, thanks in advance for the dog collar. It will go so nicely with my dominatrix outfit and my thigh high fuck-me boots!

Merry Christmas,
Vicky

Dear Santa,

please tell Wilson, at FedEx, that my ybnby tee hasn't arrived yet.

Thanks

Leo

Dear Vicky:

You are welcome in advance for the dog collar. I had the elves pad that extra large bastard in the front so you could tuck your massive double chin inside of it.

As for the dominatrix outfit and the boots, I didn't want to tell you this, but it was actually a xxl greasy dominoes pizza outfit. I couldn't read your writing and assumed that you were retarded and gave you the wrong thing. Sorry bitch. Write neater next time. I am glad the boots fit. The elves appreciated the fact that your thighs sag down to your ankles. It made for an easy fit.

Feliz Navidad Hamburger Crotch.

Santa.

Dear Leo:

You didn't get the shirt because you let some guy suck you off. Deal with it. I'm not P.C. I'm Santa you whiney bitch. You have to be good to get shit from me.

XOXO

Santa.

But I'm good...
I fed a starving guy with creamy hot milk (at least was what he told me it was like...)

Shall I get coal then? Or -- on these environmentalism days -- carbon credits?

Dear Santa, I would like to stay employed for as long as possible.
I would like to unleash more funny.
And get a new pair of pants.

Wow--I missed the idiocracy of Taunee....

gosh darn finals and trying to enjoy the time off from school.....

guess she never learned that you can be funny AND have friends....

poor thing....guess her daddy didn't love her...or he "loved" her too much, if you know what I mean....